I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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