You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Randomize