i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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