I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
