Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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