bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
