this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
