ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
