My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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