I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
