dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
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I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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