I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
