20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
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At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Every concussion has its silver lining
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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