Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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