ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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