I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
