and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
