We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
