I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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