Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
