i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
