Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
