so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
