youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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