I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
