my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
