worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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