Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
