She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
