Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
