Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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