Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
