heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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