my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
