I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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