I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
