I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
