yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
