This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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