I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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