do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
