i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
