Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
