I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Im part way to drunk.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
