swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
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That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
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He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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