I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
