I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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