I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
