WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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