Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm jealous of your bromance
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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