I accidentally burped into my bong.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
