It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
