Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
