she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
