Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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